I live in my mind

One thing about me that I wonder is a symptom is the fact that my mind is so busy that I don't notice things around me that I should. For example a couple of days ago a guy showed up at the drop-in center wearing a jacket in the middle of summer. It seemed that other people noticed this and commented on it, but I didn't. Instead, my mind was preoccupied with it's own thoughts. Another example, I once walked under a new swingset, then when I got to the other side was asked about the swingset and I said "what swingset?" This more than anything makes me feels stupid because I don't see what others see.

Obsessions

One of the most mysterious things I have always struggled with is obsessional behavior. This behavior of mine resembles autism, but I lack other symptoms of that group of disorders, I think, so I do not know why I act this way. My most famous obsession is birds. This started in Junior High school. I was compelled to memorize all the names, and thought about birds all day long. I still love birds, but not to this extent anymore. I have also gotten obsessed about video games, to the point where my entire day might revolve around paying the game or thinking about the game. I have written stories, did art, and I have even authored a few internet guides for my favorite games. It's like I fall in love with something and can't stop doing it. I have been told that this is within normal behavior, but I doubt it because of the intensity of my behavior.

From joy to anger, there are many emotions in this world. But what is it like to struggle with your emotions? It seems my life has been a constant struggle with the feelings most people can handle. I thought about blogging this because my fiance (I'm getting married in less than two weeks) liked a post I put on Facebook and he thought I should write out my feelings. As a child, I had the label ADHD and Emotionally Impaired. As and adult, I am Bipolar with psychosis. But these labels are mere guesses, they have been changed quite a lot, and I have characteristics that resemble other disorders too. I think the most devastating symptom I had as a child were the rages or meltdowns, I'm not sure what to call them because it seems to differ by disorder. These happened quite a lot, and happened until my early teens. I will try to help you understand what it was like by summarizing a typical rage: Before school started, I would hang out by the door waiting for the school to open. A kid would come up to me and say something like "you stink". Most children would tease back and not take it to heart. But I did take it to heart. I couldn't believe that someone would call me smelly. I responded with "Leave me alone!" The other kids would continue to provoke me and I would respond with "Leave me alone!" Then suddenly a wall of emotion would hit me with a ton of bricks. I literally couldn't help it. I really didn't want to scream and cry, but the urge was irresistible. This is kind of a crude example, but it is sort of like sexual release, but instead of good feelings, the sudden rush of feelings are bad. To this very day, I sometimes feel like raging, but I'm in more control now and it comes and goes. I was put into special education because of this and other problems. I wasn't learning disabled however, I was the opposite, I was very good at learning the subject matter in school. The most common descriptor of me is "smart" but sometimes I don't really see that, but that is what people say. Anyway, that is all for now. Later posts will describe this stuff more, and also my adult struggles. Thanks for reading.